[ in the past year or so of his life, kuramochi has realized one certain thing about kominato ryousuke: he's a hurricane of a person. it's impossible not to get caught up in him, from his words to the way he carries himself to his ever-unreadable, ever present smile. if that's the case, then the recent breakthrough in their relationship was the eye of the storm, and for what it was worth, that's what this felt like, spending time together on his bike, wild and free and alone.
it's not the feeling of 'winning' something, because it's not quite like that. sure, there's the freedom of being able to barrel down the highway with ryousuke at his back, smelling like danger and cigarettes and holding onto the front of his shirt, little hands that he's kissed during sex, red knuckles and delicate fingers that he's wanted to hold, like the secret sap he tries to deny he is. he doesn't feel like he 'won' because ryousuke can't be won, he's not some prize like people seem to treat him as. it feels like he's earned his interest, that's for sure, but kuramochi still has to contend with his life and this tiny, amazing person clinging to his back the whole ride home, contend with the draft letter on the table his mom cried over yesterday afternoon. he hasn't told ryousuke yet; his good mood currently feels tenuous and the last thing kuramochi wants to do is ruin it for something that's out of his control.
sometimes being around ryousuke is like gliding down the new highways on his motorcycle; sometimes it's grinding on broken glass. he's never sure if he's doing or saying the right thing, and earning his friendship feels harder than getting his kisses, though both are just as rewarding. with every day that passes he chips away a little by little and learns new things like he has now--the thing that happened to one of his siblings, why he does what he has to work and live. kuramochi gets that better than anyone, from his own rough background and his days with bleach blonde hair, which he has yet to tell ryousuke, either (though he imagines he can predict it; kuramochi is painfully obvious in most things, can't keep a secret worth a damn.)
like how much he likes ryousuke, how painfully obvious it is in his face and his gestures that he loves him, that the littlest things he's done are the things that keep him awake at night. when he looks murderous in someone's direction, threatens (and kuramochi's sure he'd absolutely commit murder) the only thing he can think is i'd help you bury the body. it's how he knows he has it bad. it's why youichi's treasuring this little moment, now, ryousuke chuckling and telling him stories, shoving a mooncake in his mouth.
he looks good in his jacket.
kuramochi coughs at being fed and lets out a muffled, protesting-- ] Oi! [ --out of habit, and he thumps his chest to make sure it doesn't go down the wrong pipe or something, his expression playfully annoyed. there's not a mean thing without it; he's a puppy dog, obvious to see. ] Normal people'd ask if ya wanted a piece, Ryo-san!
Re: i listened to rent and it made me think of our AU HERE I AM FINALLY
[ It was damp, the sky red, their shadows dark tangerine, cast long and wide, like smudged blood on the cement. He had been here before. In a warm place, perhaps far in the forgotten happiness of early youth. When he had chosen a lollipop over dinner, had taken it in his mouth greedily without a second thought of the consequences thereafter. This was the situation he was again faced with. All his life, Ryousuke tried and failed to discipline out from himself the very demand which he exploited in his clients - this feeling of euphoria that was only bought by sacrificing a later contentment.
He was ready to feel like he was in control again. Ready to wake up and remember how to function on his own.
But maybe now, more so than ever before, it wasn't possible to be in control. They could ride like that forever, he thought. If they could chase the moon as it receded over every horizon, and keep going like that. And then find a place where it was always dark and lay together like that. Make love under the stars. Grow old and then die there. If that were the narrative of an old nelly's end, a poorly lavished stray of a man, then Ryousuke couldn't imagine anything closer to the reality of dreams.
What a strange thing to be overwhelmed with, a crazy wind that knocked him off his wits. He was looking at Kuramochi for a moment and smiling, like he always did, thinking of him. He had the cake shoved in his mouth. He was saying something and Ryousuke wasn't listening. He had his hair a bit disheveled by the breeze of the bike ride. At the store it smelled like something that would get them high, and suddenly Ryousuke wanted a lollipop, the same kind he'd traded for his dinner long ago. Because even now he was impulsive and he didn't care. ]
I thought you'd always want to eat something I give. Maybe I'll ask this time: wherever we're going, you'll screw me when we get there right? [ he pulled at the corners of Kuramochi's jacket. His knees felt the night air with a bit too much of a conscious chill.
He could look at Kuramochi and remember every detail of his face, the thin shape of his iris, the curve of the brow, the way one side of his lips rose higher when he grinned than the other. The way he hands could fit almost all the way around Ryousuke's thighs, they knew that from practice. What it was that made it impossible to say no - it was everything that Kuramochi was. A stupid, talented, magnetic, forceful kid who would never back down. And he, Ryousuke knew, was the kind to never leave someone behind.]
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i listened to rent and it made me think of our AU HERE I AM FINALLY
it's not the feeling of 'winning' something, because it's not quite like that. sure, there's the freedom of being able to barrel down the highway with ryousuke at his back, smelling like danger and cigarettes and holding onto the front of his shirt, little hands that he's kissed during sex, red knuckles and delicate fingers that he's wanted to hold, like the secret sap he tries to deny he is. he doesn't feel like he 'won' because ryousuke can't be won, he's not some prize like people seem to treat him as. it feels like he's earned his interest, that's for sure, but kuramochi still has to contend with his life and this tiny, amazing person clinging to his back the whole ride home, contend with the draft letter on the table his mom cried over yesterday afternoon. he hasn't told ryousuke yet; his good mood currently feels tenuous and the last thing kuramochi wants to do is ruin it for something that's out of his control.
sometimes being around ryousuke is like gliding down the new highways on his motorcycle; sometimes it's grinding on broken glass. he's never sure if he's doing or saying the right thing, and earning his friendship feels harder than getting his kisses, though both are just as rewarding. with every day that passes he chips away a little by little and learns new things like he has now--the thing that happened to one of his siblings, why he does what he has to work and live. kuramochi gets that better than anyone, from his own rough background and his days with bleach blonde hair, which he has yet to tell ryousuke, either (though he imagines he can predict it; kuramochi is painfully obvious in most things, can't keep a secret worth a damn.)
like how much he likes ryousuke, how painfully obvious it is in his face and his gestures that he loves him, that the littlest things he's done are the things that keep him awake at night. when he looks murderous in someone's direction, threatens (and kuramochi's sure he'd absolutely commit murder) the only thing he can think is i'd help you bury the body. it's how he knows he has it bad. it's why youichi's treasuring this little moment, now, ryousuke chuckling and telling him stories, shoving a mooncake in his mouth.
he looks good in his jacket.
kuramochi coughs at being fed and lets out a muffled, protesting-- ] Oi! [ --out of habit, and he thumps his chest to make sure it doesn't go down the wrong pipe or something, his expression playfully annoyed. there's not a mean thing without it; he's a puppy dog, obvious to see. ] Normal people'd ask if ya wanted a piece, Ryo-san!
Re: i listened to rent and it made me think of our AU HERE I AM FINALLY
He was ready to feel like he was in control again. Ready to wake up and remember how to function on his own.
But maybe now, more so than ever before, it wasn't possible to be in control. They could ride like that forever, he thought. If they could chase the moon as it receded over every horizon, and keep going like that. And then find a place where it was always dark and lay together like that. Make love under the stars. Grow old and then die there. If that were the narrative of an old nelly's end, a poorly lavished stray of a man, then Ryousuke couldn't imagine anything closer to the reality of dreams.
What a strange thing to be overwhelmed with, a crazy wind that knocked him off his wits. He was looking at Kuramochi for a moment and smiling, like he always did, thinking of him. He had the cake shoved in his mouth. He was saying something and Ryousuke wasn't listening. He had his hair a bit disheveled by the breeze of the bike ride. At the store it smelled like something that would get them high, and suddenly Ryousuke wanted a lollipop, the same kind he'd traded for his dinner long ago. Because even now he was impulsive and he didn't care. ]
I thought you'd always want to eat something I give. Maybe I'll ask this time: wherever we're going, you'll screw me when we get there right? [ he pulled at the corners of Kuramochi's jacket. His knees felt the night air with a bit too much of a conscious chill.
He could look at Kuramochi and remember every detail of his face, the thin shape of his iris, the curve of the brow, the way one side of his lips rose higher when he grinned than the other. The way he hands could fit almost all the way around Ryousuke's thighs, they knew that from practice. What it was that made it impossible to say no - it was everything that Kuramochi was. A stupid, talented, magnetic, forceful kid who would never back down. And he, Ryousuke knew, was the kind to never leave someone behind.]